What Sarah Palin did on her birthday yesterday (Guestwritten by GInaM)

SCENE

Baldy is laying in her bed reading her Google Alerts on her IPad.

Her bedroom looks like a Madame's paradise! Red curtains...red carpet...red walls. A vanity set with red cushioned chairs sits smack dap in the middle of the room completely out of place!

But the thing that Baldy's family talk about the most is the SIZE of Baldy's bed! It's a huge 4 poster canopy bed with curtains (red of course) that takes up half the room! It even has mirrors embedded in the ceiling!

What's left of her hair is pulled back and held on her head by a hair band....on her night stand is a glass with teeth that look suspiciously like the teeth Baldy was flashing in her last Fake News interview! Wearing her favorite housecoat...the fluffy red Elmo jobby....Baldy reaches for a small mirror and a straw and sniffs.

Baldy goes back to her IPad and thumbs through story after story about her MLK post...then her phone rings*

Baldy: "What"?

CreepyJr stutters: "Hey Baldy...ummm how's it going?"

Baldy looks at her phone and sighs: "Whatta ya want Creepy...I'm real busy here".

CreepyJr says: "Yeah...I hate to bother you...but the check ya gave me...ummm...kind of bounced. Can you just give me a postage money order like you use to?"

Baldy grits her teeth (but stops when they wobble in her mouth): "Look Creepy...I already told ya....BaldyPAC can't give you no more postage money orders...Tim says that the FEC is asking too many goddamn questions so we gotta lay low on that...okay?"

CreepyJr starts whining: "Ummm...that's not good...ya see my son Zelig said that his mom...ya know my ex-wife has been getting text messages from a book publisher and when I confronted the bitch about it...she said she needs more money from me...but ya know my wife is mad about that to the point where she keeps coming home later and later and when I asked her why is she home so late lately she told me that she's tutoring and Yada Yada I'm real tired now!"

Baldy says: "I told ya not to marry that tramp!"

Creepy cringes and whispers in the phone: "Come on Baldy...ya promised you wouldn't call her that....anymore".

Baldy smirks and says: "To her face...remember". Whatever...I'll call the Toad and have him and some of his buddies follow that trampy wife of yours and find out what she's really doing...and tell your ex-wife that I said...."Dar"...she'll know what that means. Anything else?"

CreepyJr gulps and says: Ummm....okay Baldy...thanks...don't ya wanna know about Mom and Dad?"

Baldy: "WHO"?

CreepyJr: "Our parents? Well anyway...did ya like what I said about the IRS harassing dad on my FB page?"

Baldy in a disinterested voice says: "Yeah I saw that...so dad can talk now?"

CreepyJr says: "No...not really...mom says he just sits in his recliner and watches FAKE News all day and he holds a pair of ladies panties...not sure why he does that but mom says if she tries to take it from him he makes this unholy screeching sound."

Baldy says real quickly: "Listen Creepy...Beefy and Wallow are coming by so I gotta go."

She hangs up the phone and sits there staring at the ceiling and her reflection...just then her bedroom door opens and Wallow and Beefy walk in with (at first glance looks like) 10 KIDS!!

 Wallow strolls in holding the hand of a little boy of 3...hanging on her hip is a baby girl of undetermined age.Wallow lets the boy hand go and places the baby girl on Baldy's bed*

Wallow smirks and says: "Hi Granny...I need some money".

*Beefy with about 4 kids (two girls and two boys) trailing behind her walks up to Baldy's bed and stands there with her thumb in her mouth and a vague empty look in her eye pushes Wallow in the shoulder*

Beefy stammers: "Wallow...you promised to be nice to Baldy today".

Baldy glares at her offspring and screams: "WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO CALL MEEEEEE?"

Wallow and Beefy say in unison: "Sorry MOMMMM".

Baldy: "Hmmmphff"

*Just then Wallow's baby girl who has crawled across Baldy's bed reaches for her IPad...*.

Baldy snatches it out the baby's reach and screams: "WALLOW grabbed this brat of yours and tell me WTF ya want!!"

Wallow grabs her baby and says sarcastically: "MONEY Baldy...I need MONEY".

Baldy says: "I gave you both a check the other day for 20,000 dollars...whatcha do with it?"

Beefy looks sheepishly down and says: "Joey needed some stuff".

*Wallow starts popping her gum and just looks at Baldy in silence. Baldy looks at her two trampy daughters and shakes her giant head*

Baldy speaking in a defeated tone says: "Call Toad...he'll know what to do".

Wallow grabs her baby girl and calls over to the boy...

Wallow: "Comeon Chris...Granny is busy now...let's go".

*Beefy looks at her mother and realizes how OLD she looks then she remembers that Joey is waiting for her in bed and shrugs her shoulders*

Beefy says: "Come on Tripp...Kyla...Jinger(pronounced Ginger...last name Junker) and Trenton...Grandma needs her rest".

As the bedroom closes...Baldy cusses under her breath and reaches for her phone....

Baldy: "RAM....put the call out...I need a job...I don't care what it is...I need it fast...what...what about Roger...knee pads....hmmmm.....how much did he say and where should I meet him? That's ALL? See if he'll go up 5,000 if I wear my fake tits....okay....call me back and put down that goddamn bbq...I can hear ya smacking from here!"